This entry was completely inspired by my favorite professor, Glenn Gass. Professor Gass brilliantly taught “The History of the Beatles” course at Indiana University, thus cementing his role in obtaining “the best job to have ever been created, ever, in all of time.”
One crisp autumn evening almost five years ago, Gass began a lecture with, “I think I determined my ultimate White Album last night. I drunkenly wrote it on this napkin.” He pulled out of his pocket a tattered white paper ball covered in chicken scratch and proceeded to translate it onto the blackboard.
The “Ultimate White Album” referred to a remark made by Sir George Martin, who once said that his preference would have been for the album to be condensed into one LP of strong songs, versus a double-disc that contained (regrettably) some throwaways. [Please note that the worst Beatles song is still better than half of the music on today's pop charts. I would rather listen to "The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill" on repeat than anything by Nickelback.]
The “Ultimate White Album” is YOUR 14-track selection, had you been forced to reduce its greatness onto a single disc. I use the word “forced” because to a fanatic, choosing among your favorite Beatles tracks is like that cliché of choosing your favorite child– only it’s more like lining up your children in front of a firing squad and choosing which ones should get shot.
How did I arrive at this random memory? It came about last Friday, when my friends and I went to go see 500 Days of Summer. I think I can say, without spoiling it for you, that there is a short bit of dialogue that goes something like this:
“Octopus’s Garden? Seriously? Octopus’s Garden can’t possibly be your favorite Beatles song. You might as well say your favorite song is ‘Piggies.’”
To which I muttered under my breath, “Fuck you. ‘Piggies’ is a great song.” It was like someone had insulted my boyfriend. “Okay, so maybe it’s not the BEST that George Harrison came up with, but it would definitely be on my Ultimate White Album.”
BUT WHAT ELSE, I asked myself tonight. WHAT ELSE?
You know what would help me out? A bottle of white wine.
WRONG, SELF.
Now that I’ve consumed half three-quarters of said bottle, everything sounds so good. Sober, I could have easily pointed out my fourteen tracks. Committed. Done. Now I’m noticing the brilliance. The nuances. The piggies. Still, I needed to be smart about it. I used the scientific method of listening to the original lineup, deleting by gut instinct, drinking more wine, and then listening to my own tracklist while drinking more wine. I don’t know if you’ve tried this method.. but you get to about 18 tracks and then you literally go insane. And then eventually “Piggies” gets cut. Sad!
In an homage to Professor Gass, I scribbled out my final tracklisting on a napkin.
TRANSLATION.
SIDE A:
1. Dear Prudence
To me, this song symbolizes openings and beginnings and an overall lift. Had to be my track one.
2. Revolution 1
While some enjoy the snappier radio-friendly Revolution, I greatly enjoy the shoo-be-doo-wops of this version, which is kind of like that version’s slutty sister.
3.Savoy Truffle
You know those boxed chocolates that you bite into and then spit out in disgust? George Harrison wrote a song about them. Cavities + Wicked Horns = Catchy!
4. I’m So Tired
Insomniac’s anthem. Hands down, my favorite track on this album.
5. Cry Baby Cry
This was a surprise, because I honestly couldn’t even remember this song was on here. I don’t know what the hell Lennon is talking about, but the piano is just plain sick. Also, I like McCartney singing that creepy segment at the end.
6. Blackbird
You’d be hard pressed to find this absent from anyone’s Ultimate. Simple, original. Also loved Paul’s more recent nod to this tune, “Jenny Wren” off of “Chaos and Creation in the Backyard.” There’s this great little interview where Paul talks about how he nearly stopped writing it because it he felt he was “ripping off” Blackbird, despite the fact that HE WROTE BLACKBIRD.
7. Rocky Raccoon
I love it when British guys attempt to write western sing-alongs. Remember being accompanied by cute boys on acoustic guitars while singing this at the top of your lungs at four in the morning in Curtis’s apartment? Yeah, I barely can, either.
SIDE B
1. Sexy Sadie
Okay, maybe this is my favorite. Again, piano seriously molesting your earholes.
2. Happiness is a Warm Gun
Based off a headline on the cover of a NRA magazine (if I remember correctly) but I always thought John was just making a reference to something sexual. Also, I like imagining Ringo clutching a tambourine and counting aloud to himself, tackling the changes in time signature.
3. Helter Skelter
Can I just point out that this song was written a mere five years after “Please Please Me”?? HOLY SH*T.
4.While My Guitar Gently Weeps
George Harrison shows us his, “Oh Hey Guys, I’m a Songwriting Genius Too,” Card.
5. Julia
“When I cannot sing my heart/ I can only speak my mind” BWAAAAAH
6. Martha My Dear
A song inspired by Paul McCartney’s sheepdog, Martha. I know, it develops into a song about a woman, but I really just imagine the lyrics are directed to the sheepdog, because I can’t imagine a sexy woman with the name “Martha.” Also, I feel like Paul McCartney managed to make parts of this sound reaaaally seventies, despite the fact that it was probably written around ‘67. Really, it’s all about the horns and strings in the countermelody in this for me. Is that even right? Countermelody? The DOO-dit-DOO-dee-doo, doot-, doot-, DOO-doot doot doo. I don’t know, but, yeah. Horns and strings. And a sheepdog.
7. I Will
This is McCartney doing a great impression of McCartney. Also, I like the idea of an album ending with “Da da da daah dah da daaaaahhh”
HIDDEN BONUS TRACK
Yer Blues
Yeah, I know this is cheating, but if I had a little extra room on the LP I would slip this track in. Dirty, filthy blues recorded in a closet! This is my prequel to “Ball and Biscuit” by the White Stripes.
You know what’s next – Let’s compare!
Hit me with your Ultimates in the comments.
