Dear Readers!

I give to you, after a year’s absence (we’ll blame the recession?) Jenn’s Celebrity To-Do List. Only 20% of 2009’s contenders survived! And there’s only one dead guy! And, and, and - huge upset - after at LEAST 3 years at #1, Johnny Depp has fallen off the list. (Johnny. Baby. Make me forget I ever caught 20 minutes of “The Tourist” in Gold Gym’s “Cardio Cinema,” and all is forgiven.) I’m sure he’ll find a way to cope, like tumbling into bed with his French model girlfriend…. I bet she smells rill nice.

ANYWAY! In no particular order…

1. Ryan Gosling

There’s a scene in Crazy, Stupid, Love where Ryan Gosling is standing in a shopping mall in a three-piece suit and shoving a piece of pizza into his mouth.  In slow motion. The theatre, packed pretty exclusively with women, erupted.

The Gos really did it for me in Blue Valentine, EVEN WHEN HE GOT FAT AND “UGLY” IN IT. Shortly after that, he was filming in Cincinnati when I was in town one weekend and I spent the night drunkenly fixating on finding him at a bar in Over the Rhine or something. “WHERE’S MY BOYYYYFRIEND?! WE NEED TO FIND MY BOYFRIEND?!” Not annoying. Not at all.

2. Bradley Cooper

Do you think Bradley Cooper knows how good looking he is? Like, the rest of us plebs look in the mirror and wonder, “Am I attractive?” Like, maybe a construction worker whistled at you, or a girl at the bar called you cute or something, but…what does it feel like to know your face is like, SCIENTIFICALLY DESIGNED TO MAKE WOMEN WANT TO HAVE BABIES WITH YOU?

One time I was walking to the market and a black guy yelled, “Hey! Where da beauty pageant at?!”

I think it probably feels like that, times a million.

3. James Franco

I’d like to think we’d just go to school all day and have picnics in the quad and get stoned a lot and have multiple Scottish Fold cats. Bess was surprised by this choice: “I thought that might be over with this year’s Oscars.” Yeah, I blocked that out.

4. Robert Downey, Jr.

I had a hard time narrowing down which Downey era I was most attracted to, and the only answer I found was ALL OF THEM. Aging like a fine wine, this one. (Each year, on his Birthday, Robert Downey Jr. gets his annual coating of sex dust.)

5. Jon Hamm

HEY. HEY, GOD:

Good job.

Love, Everyone in the World

6.  Paul Newman, circa the late 1950s

There is a direct correlation between me discovering old Paul Newman movies this year and the market share of Newman’s Own . I’ll be staring blankly at the 3248343 varieties of balsamic, when I’ll think to myself, “GodDAMN he was sexy in The Long, Hot Summer.” Boom. Newman’d.

I feel like young Paul Newman must have smelled perpetually of sweat and grass and tobacco and The South.

7. Joseph Gordon-Levitt

In 2009, we all wondered, “Hey, what happened to that little dude from 10 Things I Hate About Y- OH WAIT HE GOT HOT AND WEARS CARDIGANS NOW?” I’m too lazy to photoshop my face over Zooey’s.

8. Ryan Reynolds

On one particularly bored afternoon, Katie  walked in on me instant-replaying that nearly-nude Ryan Reynolds scene from “The Proposal.” I’m not even LIKE that. I’m not that girl. Ryan Reynolds, you turn me into that girl. I ain’t even mad.

Also, dude -- this blazer/scarf/beard combination? Perfection. Throw on a pair of plastic frames and I’d probably just be straddling my MacBook.

[How uncomfortable are you right now?]

9. Christian Bale

I hope to do another post this month called ,”Why 90s Christian Bale is the Best Christian Bale.” But for now, just know that Christian Bale as Jack “Cowboy” Kelly was the first boy to cause that stirring in the bathing suit parts that led you to think, “Wait, this is weird, do I have to go to the bathroom?” NOPE. NOPE YOU DEFINITELY DON’T.

CHRISTIAN BALE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MY SEXUAL AWAKENING.

[Okay, now how uncomfortable are you?]

10. Jeff Goldblum

I don’t care what ANYONE SAYS. Jeff Goldblum is a sex bomb. RAW QUIRK is a TURN-ON.

If you don’t think that I-Just-Saved-the-Planet strut at the end of Independence Day isn’t the most arousing thing to hit the modern day cinema, then I don’t wanna know you.

So there you have it. You know, I tried to take a “big picture” look at the guys I chose. I thought maybe I could take a step back, that my selections would offer some kind of interpretation to my “type.”

Lackluster conclusion: “Sweaters and vests! Sweaters and vests! Yaaaay.”

So… no?

No matter.

Call me, fellaaaaas.

Well, here’s my current viewpoint:

Since Matt rendered me homeless by moving to stupid Seattle to live with his gay dad, my friend Bess graciously offered me a room in her adorable abode. I moved out of our apartment (known as “Grey Gardens“) this morning, and I pretty much can’t move my legs right now. I also just ordered Jimmy Johns, which is good, because this room somehow smells like the widely-girthed sharpie I labeled those boxes with, and I think I’m getting high. Feels like I’m doing poppers. [The 70s were great, weren't they?]

As an homage to the debauchery that arose from living with my gay best friend for seven months, here’s a special Woodruff Place-related Top Ten — er…2 Top Fives.

Top Five Things I’ll Miss about Grey Gardens

1. Having a Stoner Landlord

I shared a bedroom wall with my landlord, a vegan caterer/artist and big-time patron of the Bud. I’m convinced she’s in a terminally relaxed state. This came in handy when I dinged her car with my Buick and she barely remembered it happened.

2. Ramondo at the Family Dollar

I’d frequently stroll to the Family Dollar to pick up a Mexican Coca-Cola in a glass bottle. Have you had Mexican Coke? THE BEST, right? Anyway, Ramondo was always sweet and cheery, and made me feel beautiful, even though nine times out of ten I walked through the door puffy-faced and hungover.

3. Sneaking a Smoke Inside

Listen, I’m not a smoker. But Matt is. And something happens — usually between sobriety and two glasses of wine, and watching Independence Day on VHS --where smoking indoors goes from revolting to decadent.

4. Having a Stylist in the Next Room

Having a fashion-forward roommate meant that I didn’t really have to worry about dressing myself on any given night out. Going forward, I hope to implement what I’ve learned, things like, “When in doubt, BELT IT,” and “Pair a cut-off airbrushed hoodie with leggings and bootie heels, and you’ve got couture.”

5. “Who loves Barbra? Judy loves Barbra.”

This is what Matt and I said to each other before we went to bed every night. It stemmed from a night when we watched video after video of gay icons, but namely, this:

Top Five Things I Won’t Miss about Grey Gardens

1. Not Having a Living Room

For the location, our rent was crazy-reasonable, especially when utilities were included. However, after turning the front room into a bedroom, we basically had no “common space.” But who needs a living room when you’re just going to get stoned and watch the Simpsons in bed with a gay man?  (Sorry, Mom.)

2. Alpha Only-Children Living Together

Two only-children living together = spoiled for life = giving each other permission to live in complete disarray.

3. The Cat in Heat, in the Wall

Okay, so it wasn’t in the wall. But it was DEFINITELY in heat. Artist rendition here.

4. Possible Homeless Man Dying at the Bus Stop across the Street

I don’t even think we HAD bus stops in West Michigan suburbia. Which was evident as I watched paramedics attend to a still body at the bus stop across the street. In the kitchen. With the lights off. #WHITEGIRL

5. Dharma and Greg

Coming home late one night, Matt and I caught a mouse running along the counter top and behind the microwave. I freaked out, as I have a major phobia of mice. “YOU HAVE TO BE A MAN ABOUT THIS,” I kept yelling at Matt, expecting him to kill the thing with his bare hands. Matt responded by smacking the microwave and kicking the cabinets, because, I don’t know.

With a history of living in cities in older homes, having a mouse in the house is not a new thing. To help me calm down until the rodent’s eventual demise, I ‘ve given them names. I needed to block out visions of the mouse spreading disease and chewing through our trash. “I’d rather think of her as a little free-spirited thing, aloof and free-wheeling,” I told Matt. We decided to name her Dharma, after our oft-referenced Family Guy jab of Dharma and Greg.

We eventually killed Dharma by luring her with vegan cake batter (IRONY!) into one of those traps where you don’t have see the mouse after it’s dead. But that wasn’t the end of it. Another mouse, Greg, came to avenge Dharma’s death. Greg’s cause of death was poison. He came out in the middle of the day, likely confused and hemorrhaging internally and I still feel really bad about that.  He died under a tin of Jameson. Matt covered his final moments in this hilarrrious post.

We thought there was a third one when we heard rustling in the cabinets under the sink.  Here’s raw footage of Matt and I reacting to what we think is a mouse (or snake) in the kitchen.

Let me set up this clip. We were getting ready to go out by pre-gaming and videotaping ourselves doing Nicki Minaj raps (which is why you hear Matt starting a line from “Did It on ‘Em” at the beginning). I hear something, proceed to freak out and flee. Webcam continues to roll. Matt gets pissed and starts attacking the cabinets with a knife. We drunkenly assess whether or not it could be a snake. We later learned that it was just the pipes expanding and contracting with the drastic changes in weather.

I think this is funny only to us.

I don’t care.

I miss him already.

My Top Ten favorite search terms directing users to There’s Your Karma (since July 17, 2009).

10. “you can’t show your busom ‘fore 3 o’clock”

9. ”I never saw that sweater again”

8. ”Bring back the old Franzia spout”

7. “how to be like jim halpert”

6. “are there guys like jim halpert out there?”

5. “do do da do doot do do dit doot da da da da”

4. “canadian ‘get down on me’ pedophile boy band”

3. “what is apolo ohno’s favorite type of cake”

2. “gays get distracted by shiny things”

1. “gencon hotel gangbang”

1. Church Bells.

2. The Needle Hitting the Groove on the Turntable.

3. From Another Room: Someone Rustling + Whistling in the Kitchen.