“Lost Pet” posters break my heart.

Even when they’re cats.

I’m serious! You may remember I lived with a cat for like three years, and her name was Corona, and we had a love-hate relationship. One time, when I was home alone, she saw a chipmunk scurry across the back porch and busted clear through the screen door, because NATURE, I guess. I searched high and low along the apartment complex, thinking of how the hell I was going to tell my boyfriend I had lost his beloved feline. (The cat was his baby. I used that in arguments, like, “If you don’t take out the garbage, I’m going to shave your cat!” …I’m going to make a great wife someday.) Whilst walking around I came across another black-and-white cat, seemingly a stray, and thought, in my irrational, panic-stricken mind: “Maybe he won’t know the difference?”

"You spray-painted his tail to make him look like Jinxy, didn't you, Focker?" #deniroface

I found her less than fifteen minutes later, lounging lazily one building down from ours. I should have known better - she was pretty tubby and had no desire to run long distances. Corona was like a feline version of Roseanne.

Still,  a few weeks after my ex and I broke up, he called to tell me she had died, and I BAWLED into the phone - things like, “SH- SHE L-LOVED YOU, SO MUCH, *snooorrfffle*.”

That was my first thought when I found this posted outside my house:

But, you guys? The cat’s name is RUNAWAY.

…..

The cat is merely LIVING OUT ITS DESTINY.

I felt bad for making this joke (BUT IT WRITES ITSELF!), so I thought the best thing to do would be to make a “Runaway” Playlist? Here it is on Spotify, featuring my favorite “Runaway” songs and mostly songs I didn’t know existed, but I effing love a theme.

Let’s all listen to it until Runaway comes home from her adventure, like Sassy from Homeward Bound. (Who was VOICED by ROSEANNE! FULL CIRCLE!) (Sally Field. She was voiced by Sally Field. Not sure why I thought that.)

THE END!