Here are three truths about my current location.

1) THIS is in the kitchen:

2) There are little to no high-glycemic foods in said kitchen.

3) I am watching the USA v Canada hockey game.

IF YOU GUESSED MY PARENTS’ HOME IN MICHIGAN, YOU GUESS CORRECTLY!!!

1.) My mom drinks boxed wine. I don’t know if I’ve talked about this before, but this is just one of the ways my mother is unintentionally hilarious. She typically drinks Franzia Chardonnay, but she went out of her comfort zone with this Crisp White. “It’s much too sweet,” she said, after taking a sip. As if the Chardonnay tastes much better. As if she’s not going drain the whole box.

2.) Re: Low-glycemic foods. My dad is a type-II diabetic, which means sugars are few and far between in this house. Like many Americans, I’m conditioned to want something sweet after dinner. When I asked my mother what was on hand, she told me about the Schwan’s frozen yogurt in the freezer. Groan. Is that even palatable? I started scouring the cabinets for sugary condiments - syrup, cocoa, anything. “We don’t keep that stuff in the house anymore!” my mom explained. But, deep in the recesses of the pantry, I STRUCK GOLD:

BRENT’S KENTUCKY BOURBON CARAMEL SAUCE.

THIS HAS REAL BOURBON IN IT AND YOU CAN TAAAASTE IT.

OBSESSED.

[Crappy blackberry quality!]

3) Naturally, Michigan = we’re watching hockey. My mom keeps cheering every time the announcer mentions a player is from this state, and has been randomly referencing when the US hockey team beat Russia 3439483 times.

The more I watch this, the more I’m getting the urge to don hockey gear and get pushed up against the boards. That’s not even a euphemism - I just think it looks really fun.

Okay. It might be a euphemism.

SPEAKING OF WHICH: As long as Apolo Anton Ohno is tweeting, there I shall be.