Sometimes, I  mentally play matchmaker with Old Friends (from 1983-2005) and New Friends (from 2005-Present).  I was looking at my Old Friend Amber’s myspace page and discovered that her song was Ingrid Michaelson, who (if I remember correctly, as I was quite buzzed and was sure I’d forget) was the same random indie artist my New Friend Toby recommended to me yesterday.  I am certain that if Amber met Toby, he would be smitten with her.  He’s got a bad-boy-with-a-heart-of-gold thing going and she’s got the whole free-spirited, smokin’ hot thing.  Knowing these two people from two completely different phases from my life, I’m convinced they’d have a good run at a fabulous romance (for like a couple months, tops, but hey.)

I am also convinced that if Old Friend Kallie met Boyfriend Damon that they’d just totally click. (I base this on the fact that they both are obsessed with obscure eighties movies.)  I know what you’re thinking — that’s fucking weird.  And I suppose it is — thinking your current boyfriend and old best friend from high school would make a smashing couple.  I just think it means that I’ve found a male version of a best friend, so…cheers to that.

Speaking of my Best Friend with a Penis (not to be confused with ) – he’s in the other room, playing Counterstrike.  Most of you know that as much as I have tried to be “cool” about my boyfriend’s pc gaming addiction, it has turned out to be the bane of my existence.  We all have our dorky habits [she writes, in her BLOG], but I’ve analyzed the situation so many ways and I’m not getting anywhere.  I’ve tried to understand the gamer’s psyche.  I’ve tried to figure out why he would rather play a first person shooter than have ME, playing with his..um..first-person shooter.  I have only determined this: He’s good at the game.  The game is something he’s got figured out, the game will not disappoint, the game is an escape. Me? Well. I’m just me.  That’s it.  Complicated, dramatic, unpredictable.  PC Gaming is a whole fucking culture, with teams, and tournaments, and jargon that I will probably never understand.  (Similarly, Damon will never understand why I broke from writing this for nearly ten minutes because I am listening to Van Morrison’s Astral Weeks and I’ve always wondered what Madame George was really about, which, according to Lester Bangs, is a “lovelorn drag queen.”)

Is your boyfriend’s computer chair getting more ass than you? Here is my method, which has proven to be wholly unsuccessful:
– Feigning interest in gaming culture. (This has only resulted in me calling everyone a “N00b,” regardless of actual ”N00b”ness.)
– Silently hating him for “choosing his computer game over you” and then when you are crying and he asks you what is wrong, saying “nothing.”
Then maybe make him watch a chick flick and talk about his feelings, just to complete the cliche.

Before we started dating, we used to go out all the time.  Then we did the whole falling-in-love, obsessed-with-each-other bit, where other people don’t seem necessary.  I recently sensed there was a new generation of my co-workers painting the town red, and by “painting” I mean boozing the hell out of themselves, and by “town” I mean The Alley Bar.  Meanwhile, I work at 7am every weekday morning, which makes me one mu-mu short of an old lady when it comes to bedtime. I got really jealous of my friends, stumbling in with their bloodshot eyes and funtime tales, and became determined to increase the “socialization” wedge on the piechart of this, My Life.  What I forgot is how well these kids can function at work hung-over and how long it’s been that I’ve even had a hangover at work.  I almost fell asleep on my lunch break today, while half the employees are like, “WOO! Going out tonight?”  Bless them.

Also — and I’ll let you analyze this, because the “Analyzing Possible Neuroses” wedge on the Life Pie Chart? Way too fucking big already.
The motif, it seems, is this:
1) I am a big fat attention whore. I’m looking to you, Rockford High School Theatre. In addition, I am a card-carrying Only Child — also to blame.
2) I am upset when my boyfriend plays Counterstrike instead of playing the game called “CounterStrike-My-Vagina”
3) I surround myself with males in the workplace (Engineering firm! Best Buy! Hellooo!) and kind of sort of am addicted to the gained attention any woman gets as a result (even while cursing the patriarchy of my work environment.)
4) I have always loved going out with my guy friends, whether it was my boys back in high school or the group of co-workers I went out with last night.  I like being the feminine factor while being able to say tongue-in-cheek sexist things, like, “Way to pull in the tail.”  (<– who says that, seriously.)

How do I fix this?
Is this something I need to fix?
Am I destined for a gang bang?