I promised to write every day of December and I already failed on December 2nd.
Nice job, N00B.

A pitcher of margaritas has a way of inciting free-flowing thought, so here’s some random things…

I keep having dreams about this possible impending job offer (which is no surprise, as it is all I can think about).  Last night, I dreamt that I got it.  That was such a tease dream.

Meanwhile, I keep getting asked if Damon will move with me, should the job offer actually come through.  The answer is this: I have no idea. I want to say he is taking a “cross-that-bridge-when-we-get-to-it” approach, but really, the better way to describe it is: “bridge? what bridge? I don’t see a bridge!” Part of me wants him to say, “Baby, wherever you go, there shall I follow, because you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I would be a fool - a FOOL, I say - to ever lose you! Here, let me get you some cheesecake.” This is not my boyfriend, and I don’t know why I think a man like this exists.  I keep testing him, and when any event in the next few months is discussed I will say, somewhat jokingly, “Well, who knows. If I get this job, who knows if we’ll even be together then,” and he pretty much ignores it, which makes me nervous.  And then I think if he wouldn’t move with me, then he never intended to love me long term anyway, so fuck it.  All this, and I don’t even know if the job offer really exists yet.  So I’m confused.  Welcome.

Yesterday, we visted with his entire family, and I, once again, felt young and stupid. They do nothing to make me feel this way, however - - in fact, they are so very warm and welcoming.  I just can’t relate to that typical midwestern dinner conversation — babies and marriages and white-collar jobs.  I’m just not there, and I can’t relate, and I hate my current situation, and I feel so young.

Mind you, I have been DVR-ing way too many episodes to My So-Called Life for it not to affect me.  When I was in high school, I felt awkward and ugly…like I had no idea what I was doing, and I hated myself for it.  In college, that all seemed to vanish.  I became more of “myself,” gaining confidence, poise, direction.  Somewhere after graduation, I’ve come full circle from that.  The feelings of not-measuring-up that I felt in high school are the same exact feelings I’m getting today.

I would expand on this because I realize that it doesn’t make any sense, and that’s probably due to my buzz wearing off.  However, I kind of feel crappy about myself now and I’m going to the freezer for some Ben and Jerry’s and calling it a day.