I would have called in sick today, had I not been the only available person to close. [By myself. On a truck night. With 342342 other things to do in the department.]  I’ve been getting struck with pangs of anxiety right before I leave for work, without warning or reason.  I just can’t seem to calm myself down — something I could do, perhaps, if I understood the cause of the anxiety, because my job is pretty much a joke, so there is no legitimate reason for me to be worried or upset.

I cannot manage to make it to work on time, and when I do interact with the public, it is almost embarrassingly fake.  I do not care about the anime you are looking for.  I do not understand your love for anime.  I almost don’t want to find your stupid anime, just to spite you.

You would think my managers would notice this change — the tardiness, the haggard appearance – but I am merely one slacking employee in a hundred, and my department is doing no worse than when I am truly performing at my best.  One co-worker asked me if I was having a bad day.  [He had said hello to me twice, and I hadn't even noticed.]  I wanted to tell him that I can barely get myself into work anymore, that I just want to get the hell out of here.  I can’t.  Instead, I use the euphemisms like I use with everyone else.  My life isn’t where I expected it to be, and sometimes, it’s hard to cope with that. Somehow, the conversation ended with him saying that he was having probably the best month he’s ever had in his life.  And I laughed, because this has been by far one of my worst.  Don’t get me wrong, I love this particular co-worker, but seriously — I tell you I have troubles and you make it all about you.

Right now, I have the temperment of a three-year-old.  I am selfish.  I am irritable.  I need attention.  I need nurturing.  I need to be coddled. I don’t know how else to be right now.