Reasons Why I Haven’t Called You

1.) I forgot to call you on your birthday and now I’m too embarrassed to call you because Happy Belated Birthday? a month later? is just ridiculous.

2.) It’s been so. damn. long. and now I’m afraid if I call you it’s going to be weird, even though you are probably thinking the same thing.

3.) You will undoubtedly ask me about my life’s current state, and I’m not happy, and I don’t want to admit that to you.

—————————————————————————————————————–

This is going to sound terrible, but I’m sick of telling people what I want to do for a career.  I find myself in such conversations daily, what with my penchant for striking up random conversations with strangers at work, out of boredom.  The script goes like this:

Person: “Are you a student?”
Jenn: “Not anymore. I graduated in May 2005.”

This is the point in the conversation where I feel like I have to explain myself. That I’m working at Best Buy simply to (barely) pay the bills, until I find a “big girl” job.

Person: “Oh.  Well, what was your degree in?”
Jenn: “Telecommunications, a minor in Business.”

This is the point where I have to explain what my degree really means. I am baffled by the number of dumbfucks who still think it pertains to telemarketing.  I also hate how I have to throw the business minor out there, because it’s like I have to back up my liberal-arts degree, and I hate that about myself.  I hate how I feel like I have to prove my worth to complete strangers (although, is that not what the whole job-search/interview process is, exactly?).

Person: “Well, what exactly do you want to do?”

I used to have pretty specific answers to this question.:

“I want to be a media planner, a media buyer, a copywriter, a writer.”

Then it got a little more ambiguous:

“I want to work in the media industry, the music industry, or at an ad agency.”

If you asked me a couple months ago, it was:

“Marketing, promotions, advertising. Whatever.”

And if you’ve asked me in the past couple weeks, it’s:

“Anything.  Why, are you hiring? You know anyone that needs someone?”

Then, the other person will say something like, “Have you thought about ________? What about ______?” And will name off random establishments or spout off anecdotes about whatever.

And the whole charade concludes with:
“Don’t worry, you’ll find it.”
or “It’ll come to you when you least expect it.”
or “You just have to get your foot in the door.”

I’m sure this is true. And I appreciate the help I’ve received from everyone; I really do.  I’m just burnt out on all of it.  I don’t want to talk about it anymore.  I don’t like the person I’ve become as a part of it, this downtrodden cynic.  I don’t know what else to say.  I’m doing what I can, and nothing has happened.  And it’s okay.  I can do the whole “do not go gentle into that good night” thing.
But in the meantime, sometimes, I need to be coddled a bit, yeah.